oh, hello again...

So, I owe you a sheepish apology for my lack of commitment to blogging lately... I just have been so insanely busy with school that I haven't had the energy or time to blog... but I have written a little bitty poem, so I'll share that with you... an update on life will have to wait a bit yet.

Single Girls' Paranoia

Quiet, calm evening,
Air a perfect temperature on exposed skin.
I relish the feeling as the breeze strokes my neck.
Around me, eerie quiet. spooky, expectant stillness.
Then the sound.
A car? or voice?
The wind up high, whistling in tree limbs and sky.
I no longer feel alone.
Her low moan
makes me want to glance behind.
Is someone there?
Walk quickly, ignore the shiny, pretty moon and soft air,
Open your apartment door and slide the chain on the other side.
Release the tense breath in your chest now.
You're safe from your own paranoia.

The Courtyard

A gust of the spring breeze washes over me. 
Glaring bright, but gentle in warmth,
The sun beams down.
Sitting here, I'm exhausted from lack of sleep,
Achy and weary from lugging around a heavy bag on a thin strap all day long,
Disappointed in myself for my failures,
Confused about how to deal with others',
And anxious about the many, many, things I have to do this week. (and next week... and next week...)
Oh, and I'm really hungry, too.
However, the sound of a constant fountain and the gentle hug of the breeze
Help to soothe me. 
Lord, please carry my burden
Take care of my tomorrows,
And give me wisdom to deal with mistakes.
Help my soul to be as peaceful as my surroundings.
Help me to transition from this current melancholy state
To one more hopeful and cheerful.
Give me your strength;
Enable me to do my daily tasks,
While still loving those around me.
Basically, know that I really need and want you right now.
I know I don't want you often enough, and that's how I got to this place.
But right now I'm thankful for the way you embrace me with the breeze
And I'm content just to nestle into you and let you fill me up.

a little poetic spurt

So, poetry has always been something I've loved reading and writing; I remember writing my first poem when I was about 7 or 8. It was about Sojourner Truth (if you don't know who she is, Wikipedia her.) and when I rediscovered it about 10 years later, it was so bad I destroyed it. I don't keep too many horrible things around for posterity to find.
Anyways, I tend to go through poetic periods, and I've had a tiny one lately. Here are the results...

Winter Sunshine

An invader on this winter day,
A golden, pure, translucent ray,
The yellow sunshine's fingers reach through the trees,
And give a gentler Midas' touch to everything.
The left corner of the brick building gleams.

Ode to Procrastination

Oh, Procrastination;
Sweet sensation
Of forcefully forgetting important tasks
Until after they're due.


Side note: at the moment I'm writing this, I have a test and 5 projects due next week that I've barely touched.

Aside from writing, my life's been going along in normally abnormal style. I am trying to put more efforts into relationships, though; both with God and people. I've been distracted from God lately by stress and busy-ness, and as a result my relationships have suffered. For anyone who reads this, please pray for me to grow closer to God, and be a better fiance/daughter/friend/student to those I encounter every day. Not even I like Grumpy Emo Jess, so I'm pretty sure no one else does (even though Tyler graciously endures and comforts her). I'm ready to get back to a better, more stable, kind, and God-focused version of myself.

Study Break and Poetry... funny how often those coincide in my life.

So, I'm allowing myself to get off-task for a moment, and share some poetry I've written recently. I used to fill journals, notebooks, and the margins of textbooks with random lines of poetry, but it doesn't come as frequently anymore. It's been a joyful experience to have it return to me lately. These two poems were born out of my thoughts while writing in my prayer journal. They reflect some moments in the past few weeks where I've been very focused on and in awe of God, very worshipful. These weeks have been pretty difficult for me- lots of uncertainties, failed plans, and frustrations, not to mention homework. (Although that obviously doesn't have a great hold on my life, since I'm blowing it off to do this.) It's difficult for me to focus on God, and maintain fellowship with Him when life's hard and busy. However, He, because He's loving and good even though I don't understand or deserve it (in fact, I'm quite rotten) gets through to me, and helps me. I can't help but praise Him for it, and for being the amazingly good God He is.


Why Do You Love Me?

Oh, my sweet, sweet Lord,
There is nothing I have done
To deserve this abounding love,
Poured out for me.

Wretched sinner at my core,
Yet you saved me from myself.
It was your plan above,
Me to redeem.

Oh, why? I do not understand!
Oh, why, my God, would you love me?
Why do you lovingly stretch out your hand,
Your grace offered to me?

What humble joy does fill my soul!
That you give me this gift!
I weep, wondering at your love
That you desire me.

My heart is often dark and cold,
Yet you would have me live
And lift my eyes to you above,
You who redeem!

Oh, God, I pray not to forget
THis love you have revealed
The grace in which you'd have me live,
The joy you give to me.

What joy! This closeness to my God!
My soul within is thrilled
That you my blackest sin forgive
To love and befriend me!

Mercy

Mercy
The taste of it is pure and sweet,
A shower washing over every part of me,
Making new and beautiful this ugly, broken body.
I am poor,
And I have no means of buying earning, or deserving this,
Yet the priceless torrent is poured out free of cost
And drinking it, I am filled with riches not my own.
No amount of gratitude can ever repay this debt,
I am forever a beggar, dependent on your charity.
Yet, you treat me like you beloved daughter.
Oh, how can I explain, understand, or rightly appreciate,
This incredible love and mercy!